Every time I go on holiday a couple weeks before I set off I always begin to think about worst case travel scenarios. Even when I lived in London and I came back to visit friends and family in Leeds I’d always plan in my mind what to do in case the train crashed or the coach went off road. I'm sure this all developed from living in London around the time a group of religious extremists blew up a bus and tubes on the London underground.
Flying
I remember the first time I flew; I nearly broke my then girlfriends hand during take off I was that scared, not that I was showing it, I’m a brute of a man and hide my emotions deep, deep inside. Just thinking of flying makes my stomach do a back flip. I’m not good with heights and flying in an aluminium tube with wings really doesn’t appeal to me in the slightest. I try to make myself feel better about the whole thing generally thinking ‘’well if we did crash it would be over quickly’’ or ‘’hopefully I’ll be sat next to a beautiful girl and I’ll stick my tongue down her throat before we hit the ground’’ well I’ll be sat next to my mate Lloyd on this trip so if we do go down I’m going to grope the hell out of his man boobs. Sorry Lloyd if we do crash the last thing you will feel is me groping away…hope you enjoy it.
Another issue I have with flying is what if someone tries to hijack the plane? If anyone attempts to do this I’d like to think I’m going down fighting rather than sitting there waiting for the inevitable. I’ve heard that if you hit someone in the throat with a rolled up magazine you can kill them and I’m pretty handy with a bic biro, my mate James can back me up on this one. I’m sure James still bears the scars (physical and emotional) of many of my biro attacks; I stabbed him in the back of the neck while on a night out, he was tying his shoelace and I thought it would be a rather smart move to stab him. For further proof that a pen can be a good weapon for using in a life or death situation watch the Bourne Identity. Rest assured I’ll be on my flight armed with a biro and a tightly rolled up magazine nervously scanning other passengers for any sign of dangerous activity. After typing all of this I’ve just remembered that we fly at night so I’ll probably just sleep.
Rabies and dangerous animals
I've had my travel injections and got my anti malaria tablets so I’m sure that I won’t pick up any tropical diseases, but if any dogs, cats, monkeys, mice, fish or any animal comes near me bearing its teeth it’s going to get a size 10 Converse or flip flop in its face. I’m positive there will be animals waiting round ever dark corner and alley waiting to take a chunk out of my leg and give me rabies, I’m not even sure which dangerous animals I could encounter on my trip, maybe it’s something I should look into as there are bound to be poisonous snakes, spiders, wolfs, goats and great white sharks waiting to pounce.
Lloyd mentioned learning to scuba dive but I watched Jaws last week and its put me right off the idea, I really don’t want to be eaten by a great white shark but hopefully Lloyd (hes got more meat on his bones than me) would get eaten first giving me chance to swim to safety. Generally I don’t fear any animal but I hate spiders, I’m sure they are Gods way of pissing off arachnophobics off and I’m sure I’m going to encounter lots of them while in East Asia and New Zealand. If spiders could carry weapons I’m sure they would just to scare you even more. If I do encounter any weapon wielding arachnids the fu**ker better watch out, I’ll have my biro ready!!!
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